Remember Me How I Was
by thatgirlwhowritessometimes
Summary: An AU death!fic in which Fili dies in the Battle Of Five Armies while Kili does not. First chapter in Fili's POV, second in Kili's POV. Contains spoilers from the book-verse. Finished!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**** Okay guys, so normally I stay away from reading deathfics about Fili and Kili because I find them too sad, so for some reason I decided to write one of my own (there's some sound logic for you...). I actually had to stop through parts of this because I was getting too emotional. Yikes. **

**Because I am cruel, I was thinking about how awful it would be if only one of the brothers died, especially if it was Fili who died and Kili had to learn to live without his big brother. And thus, this was born. It's written in Fili's POV.**

**I hope you enjoy it. I cherish every review that is bestowed upon me!**

**Disclaimer****: AU, with *SPOILERS* from the book-verse. I do not own these characters, but if I did, they would never ever have to die :[**

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Remember Me How I Was

It's over.  
For me, anyways.

It doesn't seem fair, does it?  
Far too soon, far too violently.  
I was still so young,  
But I guess that didn't matter.

Death is a strange thing.  
You think about it more than you'd like to admit.  
You dread it, you're terrified of it,  
You feel it creep upon you as the years go by,  
As it waits and watches, biding its time.  
But when it comes, and you know it's coming,  
It doesn't seem real.  
Is this really it?  
This is how I leave you?

Do you remember that time, when we were only children?  
You had fallen into the river, too weak to swim against the current.  
Against my better judgment, I dove in too,  
And somehow, I saved us both.

Do you remember what I told you, when I brought us to the shore?  
"I've got you, little brother,  
I'll be everything you need and more."

I promised to always look out for you that day,  
To always be there for you to lean on, no matter what.

I am so, so sorry, brother.

I don't want to leave you alone.  
I want to be there as I always have,  
Playing the role of the invincible big brother,  
Undefeatable, always brave enough for the both of us.  
Will you be strong enough to carry on without me?

I'll miss you so much.  
I'll miss watching your unruly dark hair dance around your face in a gust of wind.  
I'll miss seeing the corners of your deep brown eyes crinkling as you laugh.  
I'll miss your infuriating stubbornness, your fierce loyalty, your gentle touch, and your endless love.

I'll miss you with a heart wrenching ache,  
One that only grows as we approach eternity.

It will never get better,  
And the pain will never fade.  
Is this my punishment for failing you?

I couldn't have hoped for a better little brother.  
For you gave me courage when I needed it most,  
And the strength to carry on when I was weak.  
I cannot thank you enough for making my life everything I wanted it to be.

I hope you will find another soul,  
Someone who is not me,  
Someone who gives you great joy.  
Because just as flowers cannot bloom without sunshine,  
One cannot live without love.

I hope you learn to live without me.  
That you fall in love, have beautiful brown eyed children,  
That you bear our legacy, provide heirs to the throne.  
Do what I was unable to do.  
You will be a marvelous king.

Please understand that some things are meant to be,  
And that fate is a cruel mistress,  
And that those who most deserve the beauty of life,  
Are often those who are forced to relinquish it first.

Do not dwell on what we could not change.  
Do not lose yourself in the possibilities  
Of what could have been, of what you believe you should have done.  
Accept what is beyond your control, for what choice do you have?  
How can you change destiny?

Please do not forget me,  
Remember me how I was.  
Everything I ever did, was for you,  
Because you are my whole world.  
Keep my memory strong,  
But do not let it bear down upon your heart.

I must embrace death, for now I no longer have much choice.  
I will do my best to protect you in this life,  
To do what I could not do before.  
And when you find your way back to me,  
I can fully be at rest,  
Because anywhere without you is not truly paradise.

Do not worry for me, I will be fine, see?  
The pain and uncertainty is gone,  
I am in the care of our ancestors,  
Patiently waiting for your arrival.

And when you finally come to us,  
We will welcome you like the king you are,  
With love and happiness,  
To prosper in everlasting peace.  
We can enjoy eternity just as we lived,  
Together.

And so I will wait.  
I'll wait for you at the gates,  
With open arms and a smile on my face.  
I promise it'll seem like we were never apart,  
Once again, we will be whole after all this time.

So remember me how I was, brother,  
And do not give in to the sorrow.  
Look forward to when we see each other again,  
Because next time we meet,  
It's forever.

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**Please review!**

**Also, I might continue this and do another from Kili's POV when he is forced to live without Fili. Thoughts?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:****This is the second and final installment, as promised. It is from Kili's POV. Thank you to those who reviewed! :) **

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Remembering You How You Were

Dear Fili,

It's been two years since you've... passed on, but by Aulë if it doesn't still feel like it was just yesterday. I guess this is what it feels like to lose half of yourself, while trying to live with only the remaining half. I tell myself that I never needed to be whole in the first place, that I can be my own person without you here with me.

I wonder if I'm actually fooling anyone, because I am not fooling myself.

I don't know why I'm writing this letter, honestly, I don't. It's not like I can give it to you or anything. But it just feels so good to be able to speak to you however I can. So for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to pretend you will actually read this someday.

It's been hard, Fili. I'm not going to pretend it hasn't, and I'm not going to tell you something that is not true. You always hated it when I lied, so why should I do it now? I might as well honour your memory that way.

Sometimes I still wake up and get confused as to why the bed sheets next to me are cold. But then I remember, and I feel myself grow colder than the sheets. Sometimes I still expect to see your dirty boots haphazardly thrown by the door, or see you polishing your throwing knives at the kitchen table. Sometimes I even still lay my hand out, palm up, at any time of the day expecting it to be taken by you. It never is - and then I remember, again.

Mother has changed. It's like she has lost that spark in her eye, that little bud of happiness that blooms whenever she would look at you, her eldest born, her pride and joy. She loves me the same, of course, but I am not you, am I? I cannot be you, and I cannot be what you were to her. And I hate that. I want to help her, but I know she must help herself if she is to get through this without breaking. Sometimes I think she is doing better, I really do, and it gives me hope for the future. But then I will watch her fall from reality, watch her eyes glaze over while she stares intently at something I cannot see. And then I know - I know she is thinking of you, and I have to look away before I start thinking of you too.

It's even worse with Thorin, surprisingly. You were like a son to him, Fili. We both were. And now that you are gone, his heir lost, I am forced to take your place as prince of Erebor. I wonder if uncle thinks it was worth it, losing you but reclaiming our lost kingdom and the Arkenstone. The problem is I should not be wondering this at all, but things are different now, brother. Right after your passing, I have no doubt Thorin would have given it all up to have you back, to be alive and well again. But now, I am not so sure. A darkness stirs within him, something hateful and full of greed. And it terrifies me. He spends more time with his gold, jewels and riches than with his closest friends, our mother, or even me. I am so afraid of what he is becoming, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here with me so that we could try to fix him together. But I'd have to fix you first, but I cannot do that, can I brother?

It hurts to remember you, though I don't want to forget you either. Whenever I see another who has the same golden hair, or the same joyous dimples, I feel the breath leave me while my mind moves to simpler places - a place where there are two brothers, obsidian and gold, and where there is love. Where there is joy and laughter and life without fear and pain and death. I cannot remember you for how you were without also remembering the grief of your passing. How can I win this battle, when I want two things? How can I not lose more than I already have?

We were supposed to grow old together, Fili. You were supposed to live so we could pass our days with each other, laughing about whatever we found humorous at the time, or hunting together, something you've always loved to do. You always said I was the best archer in Ered Luin, and that you were jealous of my skill with a bow and arrow. You were so proud of me, and I loved making your eyes shine with love when you looked at me. Maybe, if you were still here, I could've taught you how to shoot. Maybe if you had lived, you could have taught me how to wield my sword with as much expertise as you. Maybe if we were together, I wouldn't feel so empty, so cold all the time.

I found someone. They are not you, but they are someone else. I think that's what you would have wanted, for me to be happy without you someday? She is beautiful and kind and loving, with golden hair and blue eyes, and a dimple that appears in her left cheek when she smiles at me. I'm not going to pretend that isn't a coincidence, her likeliness with your own features, so I'm not going to deny what is obvious. Again, she is not you, but she is close enough. I am disgusted with myself knowing that she only caught my eye because of her resemblance to you. But now, I truly think I'm beginning to love her for who she is, not for who she reminds me of. No one can take your place, brother, but I can make room in my heart for more love, right?

I wish you could meet her. I think you'd really like her. She is tenacious, as you were, and just as brave. Sometimes I have trouble controlling her and her endless energy and enthusiasm. She reminds me of myself, when I was younger and unburdened by hate and sadness. But she makes me happy. She reminds me that even though you're gone, I am still alive. And you'd hardly want me to not enjoy the life you died to give me, after all. She is slowly rekindling that fire in my chest, that light of hope and liveliness that you had stoked so bright before. She is truly wonderful, and I do not know where I'd be without her. I know you love her too because of that, for she has saved me from myself.

I still haven't worked up the courage to visit your grave, and for that I am ashamed. It makes all of this real, like you're not just away somewhere and you'll come home to me soon. I don't want to see where you're buried, see the dirt that has long since staled from when it was freshly dug up. Because then I'll have to say goodbye, and I don't want to say goodbye just yet. Maybe someday, when the pain isn't fresh and the constant ache in my chest has dulled to a throb. I hope you're not upset at me for not coming to see you, to talk to you in some way better than writing some silly letter. But it's the best I can do right now, because it's the most I can take without breaking down again. I don't want to feel weak anymore, like I might break from the weight of this grief.

Fili, you were everything to me. I never knew a life without you until now and I'm having trouble adjusting. But how can I when you were always the one to help me get used to new things before? I never liked change before, but this is the cruelest change I have ever experienced. My one true source of comfort and love is gone, forever. I fear for the day when I truly realize you're won't be coming back, as I don't know if anyone but you would be able to bring me back from that.

I miss you, and I hope you're happy wherever you are, brother. That is the only thought that eases my soul, knowing you're in a place where you are at peace. I'll come to you when I'm ready. But for now, I have a life to live as best I can, because I know that's what you would have wanted. It is my duty to honour that wish. And I want to, for you. Until we meet again, just know that I think of you every day, whether I want to or not, whether it is the good or the bad. Besides, it is the most joyous and the most sorrowful moments that made up your life, so why should I not remember them all? To remember your beautiful life for what it truly was? I will always remember you how you were, no matter how much it hurts. Because it's worth it. So save a spot for me with you in eternity, okay?

I'll see you again, brother.  
I love you.

Forever,  
Kili

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**Please review!**


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